Graduation pending...

Two weeks! I cannot wait to get out of Greensboro. It's not that I hate it entirely, it's just that I have so many bad associations I don't need to be assaulted by on a daily basis. Of course, I don't know if I have a job for the summer. I should hear from Asheville Housing Authority soon, and I'm hoping I'll get an internship. Ted really helped me out there with his connections.

After that, ODU. Again, need to find a job because my loans are only going to cover tuition (being out of state the first year). GR! BUT I am totally excited about it, other than the money issue. I hope there are cool people in the program...it's fairly big, as they go, I think there are like 60 people in the MPA program. So that's cool. It will be nice to be close to the ocean.

That's most of what's going on right now. Michael will take Lucy when I go to grad school, because it will be impossible to find housing that will take a dog. I will miss her SO much, but I'm trying not to think about it. Hopefully she won't forget me. I'm taking her to A'ville over the summer because I want bonding time before I have to say goodbye for a while. :-( I should be able to take Mina though, which is cool...at least he'll be something/someone familiar.

I'm feeling much better than before. There are some good things about not being in a relationship - mostly that I can concentrate on school and be kind of selfish about it. I haven't been able to open up to anyone, anyway. Maybe later.

Wow

It's been a crazy long time since I posted here. Don't know what to update, really. I'm just waiting for classes to start again. Last semester!!! Then something will happen, but that all depends on grad school status. I expect to know by March, I think. If grad school is a no-go, then I'll look for a research position in Raleigh or somewhere else.

So that's basically what's going on. I haven't found a part-time job (shocker) because they kind of don't exist. But I'll keep looking.

Personal life - things are stalled, but I guess okay. I don't have much control over changing the status of things, so I just have to wait and see.

I guess I should go to bed now, since I took my Ambien a while ago...

I have been relying too much on drugs to keep me functioning...i.e. awake and able to focus. Legal drugs, but still it's not the best. I hope, maybe after this semester, and after grad school apps are in, that my anxiety level will go down a lot and I can feel more normal, and stop abusing my body like I've been doing. Right now I don't see any other choices if I am to finish this semester well and get everything done that I need to.

Locke has to go, sadly. I am not happy about it, and I'm basically just repressing all the horrible guilt of not being able to take care of him. But 3 furkids and just me, with everything else I need to do, is far too much. Especially if one keeps peeing on everything I own. I am hitting a tipping point, and I think one more straw is going to cause a serious burnout. I have to release some pressure on myself...and as adorable as the kitty is, I'm overwhelmed. He's Michael's cat and Michael can't take him, and he just needs a home with a person who doesn't have a dog and another cat and 4000 other things to do. So we are trying to find a good home for him.

I had some brilliant ideas for Christmas presents last night as I was laying in bed very much not sleeping...so I'm heading to Michael's today to try to find what I need. I'm hoping I have the time to get them finished by christmas. If not, I guess they will become birthday presents for next year!

Still looking for work...I hope that I get the editing job or the reviewing one. Neither pays terribly well, but will be low-stress because I like it and can do it from home and everything. Also applying for retail jobs...but probably a zillion people are as well, so I don't know what my chances are there. If I can't find anything, December is not going to be too pleasant...not at all. I'll figure out something, I hope! Especially since I have to pay for application fees. But I don't care, my credit card bills will go unpaid if necessary to pay for those. Priorities, you know?

I have to get started on this globalization paper today. It makes me want to shoot myself in the head, but I'm going to have to get started on it. Poor. My anthro research has languished because of other tests and papers. End of November is going to be nervous-breakdown time, basically!! But it will all get done, and hopefully without any ulcers developing...

I forgot about my blog...

for quite a while! I'm sure anyone who used to read this was driven off by inactivity...but, whatever. I'm so so SO glad I have only 2 months and then the semester will be over, my applications will be in, and then all I have to do is go insane waiting to hear back from schools. That won't be fun, either, but I won't be stressing about screwing anything up.

In other news...actually, that's pretty much all I've got going on. Wow.

Obama/Biden '08!

I'm totally on board with the Biden decision...another good call from Obama. He pretty much just sealed his presidency, which is beyond *awesome*. The only thing I worry about is the difficulty of living up to his oratory. It's essentially impossible to effect a ton of change in Washington in 4 years. 8 would be a whole lot better, but if people feel he's let them down he wouldn't make it that far...:-/. I hope I'm proven wrong though. I'd hate for that to happen. And hell, Bush got re-elected, so we've shown that really, anything is possible!

I feel all weird and depersonalized today. Nothing feels quite real. I'm usually high or low...this automaton feeling is strange and I don't know what to do with it. Things have changed a lot in my personal life, so maybe it's just that I have to adjust to all of that before I feel normal again.

I'm really looking forward to next week and getting classes started...because I'm a dork like that. ONE MORE YEAR! Everything's ready for my grad apps except for recommendation letters. Sometimes I can't stand this state...and I say that of course excepting the many cool people I've met here. Also Raleigh is pretty cool, I could deal with going to NC State. I just have to see what kind of financial aid I can get, and being in-state works against me, so I'm thinking it will be ODU or VCU. Who knows, really...

bumper sticker

I saw a bumper sticker today that said "If it isn't fun, why do it?"

...

There are so many things wrong with that question that it made me want to CRY.

*I'd rather die hard on my idealism than live a hundred years of cynicism*

It will kill me, I know it will. But I'm dying with my beliefs in my hand, my faith in my heart, my love in my soul. I'm holding out for what practicality says will never happen. I won't be broken into bitterness. This world was not made for sensitive people, but we are stronger than we look. Stronger than anyone gives us credit for. But being underappreciated has its benefits. You won't see it coming when we achieve what we are constantly told is impossible.

yays

I am in an uncharacteristically good mood, and felt that it needed to be recorded posthaste, to prove to myself later that I am not emo ALL the time! Lately I have been focusing on the one thing I'm missing, and I realized I haven't been grateful for everything good in my life. And all the people who've done so much for me. Some are gone, some out of touch, and an awesome few who are still in my life. I know I owe a thousand thank-you letters that I will never get to write.

I have been down a lot lately because I don't have it all together - but I can't thing of anyone who has ever said that I should. If I had all the pieces, there would be nothing left for me to work for, hope for, or look forward to. I know there are good things coming. Not tomorrow, but not all that far off. My life and myself are still a rough work in progress - but at least I feel like I'm making progress again. The missing pieces will find me when I need them.

I fear a cage

Portland State is looking better and better these days. I wasn't seriously considering it at first, but it's on the list because their program is good and Portland seems cool. Its added advantage of being on the other side of the country is becoming increasingly appealing. I have been here for too long. NC has done some things for me - I've slowed down some, learned to kind of sort of relax, and stopped driving like a bat out of hell. But I'm never going to stop feeling like I have to tone down and censor myself because I "care too much." Drive and passion does not make one a freak, and I'm tired of taking crap for it. The friends I have here I can count on one hand, and it's been 8 years. And hell, they all moved to Raleigh anyhow, not that I can blame them. I've had a growing urge to just run away lately, to leave and find someplace better than this. But I can't, and next semester I will be holed up in Graham 204 at UNCG just like last semester.

I keep thinking of that scene from Lord of the Rings, where Eowyn goes out onto the steps of the castle and all she sees are endless mountains. Nowhere to go, no opportunity, no place to prove herself. Just - trapped. "I fear neither death nor pain...I fear a cage, to stay behind bars until use and old age accept them and all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire." Yeah, I feel ya.

Good news!

I have an interview (or meeting, or whatever) with Planned Parenthood next week. I'm excited because I really want this internship, even though it's unpaid. I figure I haven't been able to find a job anyway, and this way I'll get to do something I actually care about. Can't look bad on my graduate school applications either. There are 3 candidates, and I believe only 1 spot, so I guess I've got a decent shot.

My insomnnia has been no fun at all lately. I'm almost out of Ambien, but it's basically not doing much at this point anyhow. That's what comes of using it during the day for like 6 months - now it doesn't have the same effect. I've stopped having panic attacks, so I don't need to do that anymore, but I have a tolerance to it now. So I'll have to get them to put me on something else, preferably something that won't make me high and want to get up and clean the house on a whim.

I'm editing the first draft of my stepdad's book, '1919'. I know, sounds like the next Harry Potter huh?? hehe. It's actually not too bad, although I'm suggesting he take out some of the over-explanation that he tends to add. I'm like "it's implied 14 other places that the war has been rough on them...so you don't need to spell it out. We get it." Gotta love those 'TJs. So far there is no dialogue, so I hope that it's better than expected. I'm not so great at it myself actually, but editing it is pretty easy. Maybe if I can't get a job in policy, I'll become an editor or something. But I think policy analysis has a pretty steady need for people...considering the crap that gets passed. But that's a whole other issue.

A new start

So, I deleted my old blog, for reasons involving people using things I said against me, divulging too much information, etc. Some of it was warranted, in that I went on kind of a crazy Ambien/vodka binge and said some stuff I shouldn't have. Still, it killed my self-esteem for a while, so I decided it was best to just wipe the slate clean. I also didn't need to be reminded of depressing past incidents.

Now I find myself back to the blogspot again. I like to write, and somehow journaling doesn't really cut it. It's good for negative/very personal thoughts that I don't necessarily want to be held accountable for, but it also feels pointless in that there is no audience, so it lacks a sense of closure.

Soulforge is a straight-up ripoff of Dragonlance, but I don't think anyone will come after me for it. It describes my current state of being at the moment, which is basically returning from a pretty low point in my life and starting to feel a lot stronger. I have let go of some things, learned a LOT of things about myself, and discovered some things I still need to heal. Thanks to a steadfast and understanding best friend and boyfriend, a few one-sided conversations with my dead mom, and an appropriately adjusted medication regimen, I am feeling a ton better than 6 months ago. I haven't had a panic attack in quite a while. My depressed thoughts are less severe and go away faster. I've had several good moods in the past few weeks, which hasn't happened since sometime last year. I have a lot more clarity about the situation that got me to that state, and better strategies for not letting it get to me like that in the future. I'm feeling more hopeful about school starting in the fall - as long as no one hateful shows up in my classes, I think next semester will be all good. And the hateful people are only a handful, so I don't think that's likely.

I'm still nervous about grad school, but have relinquished some of the pressure on myself. Basically, I have one semester to raise my GPA, and that's all I can do. They can take it or leave it. I'm not really sure what I'll do if I don't get in anywhere at all, but the chances of that seem slim. I'm not applying to Ivy Leagues or anything.

I woke up at 5:00 this morning, I don't know why. So I'm seriously dragging right now. I think I will try to go back to sleep if I can manage it. More later.