Obama/Biden '08!

I'm totally on board with the Biden decision...another good call from Obama. He pretty much just sealed his presidency, which is beyond *awesome*. The only thing I worry about is the difficulty of living up to his oratory. It's essentially impossible to effect a ton of change in Washington in 4 years. 8 would be a whole lot better, but if people feel he's let them down he wouldn't make it that far...:-/. I hope I'm proven wrong though. I'd hate for that to happen. And hell, Bush got re-elected, so we've shown that really, anything is possible!

I feel all weird and depersonalized today. Nothing feels quite real. I'm usually high or low...this automaton feeling is strange and I don't know what to do with it. Things have changed a lot in my personal life, so maybe it's just that I have to adjust to all of that before I feel normal again.

I'm really looking forward to next week and getting classes started...because I'm a dork like that. ONE MORE YEAR! Everything's ready for my grad apps except for recommendation letters. Sometimes I can't stand this state...and I say that of course excepting the many cool people I've met here. Also Raleigh is pretty cool, I could deal with going to NC State. I just have to see what kind of financial aid I can get, and being in-state works against me, so I'm thinking it will be ODU or VCU. Who knows, really...

bumper sticker

I saw a bumper sticker today that said "If it isn't fun, why do it?"

...

There are so many things wrong with that question that it made me want to CRY.

*I'd rather die hard on my idealism than live a hundred years of cynicism*

It will kill me, I know it will. But I'm dying with my beliefs in my hand, my faith in my heart, my love in my soul. I'm holding out for what practicality says will never happen. I won't be broken into bitterness. This world was not made for sensitive people, but we are stronger than we look. Stronger than anyone gives us credit for. But being underappreciated has its benefits. You won't see it coming when we achieve what we are constantly told is impossible.

yays

I am in an uncharacteristically good mood, and felt that it needed to be recorded posthaste, to prove to myself later that I am not emo ALL the time! Lately I have been focusing on the one thing I'm missing, and I realized I haven't been grateful for everything good in my life. And all the people who've done so much for me. Some are gone, some out of touch, and an awesome few who are still in my life. I know I owe a thousand thank-you letters that I will never get to write.

I have been down a lot lately because I don't have it all together - but I can't thing of anyone who has ever said that I should. If I had all the pieces, there would be nothing left for me to work for, hope for, or look forward to. I know there are good things coming. Not tomorrow, but not all that far off. My life and myself are still a rough work in progress - but at least I feel like I'm making progress again. The missing pieces will find me when I need them.

I fear a cage

Portland State is looking better and better these days. I wasn't seriously considering it at first, but it's on the list because their program is good and Portland seems cool. Its added advantage of being on the other side of the country is becoming increasingly appealing. I have been here for too long. NC has done some things for me - I've slowed down some, learned to kind of sort of relax, and stopped driving like a bat out of hell. But I'm never going to stop feeling like I have to tone down and censor myself because I "care too much." Drive and passion does not make one a freak, and I'm tired of taking crap for it. The friends I have here I can count on one hand, and it's been 8 years. And hell, they all moved to Raleigh anyhow, not that I can blame them. I've had a growing urge to just run away lately, to leave and find someplace better than this. But I can't, and next semester I will be holed up in Graham 204 at UNCG just like last semester.

I keep thinking of that scene from Lord of the Rings, where Eowyn goes out onto the steps of the castle and all she sees are endless mountains. Nowhere to go, no opportunity, no place to prove herself. Just - trapped. "I fear neither death nor pain...I fear a cage, to stay behind bars until use and old age accept them and all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire." Yeah, I feel ya.

Good news!

I have an interview (or meeting, or whatever) with Planned Parenthood next week. I'm excited because I really want this internship, even though it's unpaid. I figure I haven't been able to find a job anyway, and this way I'll get to do something I actually care about. Can't look bad on my graduate school applications either. There are 3 candidates, and I believe only 1 spot, so I guess I've got a decent shot.

My insomnnia has been no fun at all lately. I'm almost out of Ambien, but it's basically not doing much at this point anyhow. That's what comes of using it during the day for like 6 months - now it doesn't have the same effect. I've stopped having panic attacks, so I don't need to do that anymore, but I have a tolerance to it now. So I'll have to get them to put me on something else, preferably something that won't make me high and want to get up and clean the house on a whim.

I'm editing the first draft of my stepdad's book, '1919'. I know, sounds like the next Harry Potter huh?? hehe. It's actually not too bad, although I'm suggesting he take out some of the over-explanation that he tends to add. I'm like "it's implied 14 other places that the war has been rough on them...so you don't need to spell it out. We get it." Gotta love those 'TJs. So far there is no dialogue, so I hope that it's better than expected. I'm not so great at it myself actually, but editing it is pretty easy. Maybe if I can't get a job in policy, I'll become an editor or something. But I think policy analysis has a pretty steady need for people...considering the crap that gets passed. But that's a whole other issue.

A new start

So, I deleted my old blog, for reasons involving people using things I said against me, divulging too much information, etc. Some of it was warranted, in that I went on kind of a crazy Ambien/vodka binge and said some stuff I shouldn't have. Still, it killed my self-esteem for a while, so I decided it was best to just wipe the slate clean. I also didn't need to be reminded of depressing past incidents.

Now I find myself back to the blogspot again. I like to write, and somehow journaling doesn't really cut it. It's good for negative/very personal thoughts that I don't necessarily want to be held accountable for, but it also feels pointless in that there is no audience, so it lacks a sense of closure.

Soulforge is a straight-up ripoff of Dragonlance, but I don't think anyone will come after me for it. It describes my current state of being at the moment, which is basically returning from a pretty low point in my life and starting to feel a lot stronger. I have let go of some things, learned a LOT of things about myself, and discovered some things I still need to heal. Thanks to a steadfast and understanding best friend and boyfriend, a few one-sided conversations with my dead mom, and an appropriately adjusted medication regimen, I am feeling a ton better than 6 months ago. I haven't had a panic attack in quite a while. My depressed thoughts are less severe and go away faster. I've had several good moods in the past few weeks, which hasn't happened since sometime last year. I have a lot more clarity about the situation that got me to that state, and better strategies for not letting it get to me like that in the future. I'm feeling more hopeful about school starting in the fall - as long as no one hateful shows up in my classes, I think next semester will be all good. And the hateful people are only a handful, so I don't think that's likely.

I'm still nervous about grad school, but have relinquished some of the pressure on myself. Basically, I have one semester to raise my GPA, and that's all I can do. They can take it or leave it. I'm not really sure what I'll do if I don't get in anywhere at all, but the chances of that seem slim. I'm not applying to Ivy Leagues or anything.

I woke up at 5:00 this morning, I don't know why. So I'm seriously dragging right now. I think I will try to go back to sleep if I can manage it. More later.