Wow

It's been a crazy long time since I posted here. Don't know what to update, really. I'm just waiting for classes to start again. Last semester!!! Then something will happen, but that all depends on grad school status. I expect to know by March, I think. If grad school is a no-go, then I'll look for a research position in Raleigh or somewhere else.

So that's basically what's going on. I haven't found a part-time job (shocker) because they kind of don't exist. But I'll keep looking.

Personal life - things are stalled, but I guess okay. I don't have much control over changing the status of things, so I just have to wait and see.

I guess I should go to bed now, since I took my Ambien a while ago...

I have been relying too much on drugs to keep me functioning...i.e. awake and able to focus. Legal drugs, but still it's not the best. I hope, maybe after this semester, and after grad school apps are in, that my anxiety level will go down a lot and I can feel more normal, and stop abusing my body like I've been doing. Right now I don't see any other choices if I am to finish this semester well and get everything done that I need to.

Locke has to go, sadly. I am not happy about it, and I'm basically just repressing all the horrible guilt of not being able to take care of him. But 3 furkids and just me, with everything else I need to do, is far too much. Especially if one keeps peeing on everything I own. I am hitting a tipping point, and I think one more straw is going to cause a serious burnout. I have to release some pressure on myself...and as adorable as the kitty is, I'm overwhelmed. He's Michael's cat and Michael can't take him, and he just needs a home with a person who doesn't have a dog and another cat and 4000 other things to do. So we are trying to find a good home for him.

I had some brilliant ideas for Christmas presents last night as I was laying in bed very much not sleeping...so I'm heading to Michael's today to try to find what I need. I'm hoping I have the time to get them finished by christmas. If not, I guess they will become birthday presents for next year!

Still looking for work...I hope that I get the editing job or the reviewing one. Neither pays terribly well, but will be low-stress because I like it and can do it from home and everything. Also applying for retail jobs...but probably a zillion people are as well, so I don't know what my chances are there. If I can't find anything, December is not going to be too pleasant...not at all. I'll figure out something, I hope! Especially since I have to pay for application fees. But I don't care, my credit card bills will go unpaid if necessary to pay for those. Priorities, you know?

I have to get started on this globalization paper today. It makes me want to shoot myself in the head, but I'm going to have to get started on it. Poor. My anthro research has languished because of other tests and papers. End of November is going to be nervous-breakdown time, basically!! But it will all get done, and hopefully without any ulcers developing...

I forgot about my blog...

for quite a while! I'm sure anyone who used to read this was driven off by inactivity...but, whatever. I'm so so SO glad I have only 2 months and then the semester will be over, my applications will be in, and then all I have to do is go insane waiting to hear back from schools. That won't be fun, either, but I won't be stressing about screwing anything up.

In other news...actually, that's pretty much all I've got going on. Wow.

Obama/Biden '08!

I'm totally on board with the Biden decision...another good call from Obama. He pretty much just sealed his presidency, which is beyond *awesome*. The only thing I worry about is the difficulty of living up to his oratory. It's essentially impossible to effect a ton of change in Washington in 4 years. 8 would be a whole lot better, but if people feel he's let them down he wouldn't make it that far...:-/. I hope I'm proven wrong though. I'd hate for that to happen. And hell, Bush got re-elected, so we've shown that really, anything is possible!

I feel all weird and depersonalized today. Nothing feels quite real. I'm usually high or low...this automaton feeling is strange and I don't know what to do with it. Things have changed a lot in my personal life, so maybe it's just that I have to adjust to all of that before I feel normal again.

I'm really looking forward to next week and getting classes started...because I'm a dork like that. ONE MORE YEAR! Everything's ready for my grad apps except for recommendation letters. Sometimes I can't stand this state...and I say that of course excepting the many cool people I've met here. Also Raleigh is pretty cool, I could deal with going to NC State. I just have to see what kind of financial aid I can get, and being in-state works against me, so I'm thinking it will be ODU or VCU. Who knows, really...

bumper sticker

I saw a bumper sticker today that said "If it isn't fun, why do it?"

...

There are so many things wrong with that question that it made me want to CRY.

*I'd rather die hard on my idealism than live a hundred years of cynicism*

It will kill me, I know it will. But I'm dying with my beliefs in my hand, my faith in my heart, my love in my soul. I'm holding out for what practicality says will never happen. I won't be broken into bitterness. This world was not made for sensitive people, but we are stronger than we look. Stronger than anyone gives us credit for. But being underappreciated has its benefits. You won't see it coming when we achieve what we are constantly told is impossible.

yays

I am in an uncharacteristically good mood, and felt that it needed to be recorded posthaste, to prove to myself later that I am not emo ALL the time! Lately I have been focusing on the one thing I'm missing, and I realized I haven't been grateful for everything good in my life. And all the people who've done so much for me. Some are gone, some out of touch, and an awesome few who are still in my life. I know I owe a thousand thank-you letters that I will never get to write.

I have been down a lot lately because I don't have it all together - but I can't thing of anyone who has ever said that I should. If I had all the pieces, there would be nothing left for me to work for, hope for, or look forward to. I know there are good things coming. Not tomorrow, but not all that far off. My life and myself are still a rough work in progress - but at least I feel like I'm making progress again. The missing pieces will find me when I need them.